Chasing your Shadow..the tale of the Horse and the Carriage..

Quit trying.In every fight, fistfight, adreneline precedes the nerve activity which indicates that the body is feeling pain.During the fight, the mind shuts off, the goal, to win the fight, becomes all that matters.Its only, after the fight, walking away, adrenelin dies down, the pain becomes alive.Its only then, the cries of the body for rejuvenation becomes audible.Its only then, the value of rest is known, much appreciated.Its only then, the mind starts analysing the fight, the damage dealt and received.Why fight in the first place?

The good that we want to do..we do not, the evil we want not to do, we do.The fear of failure precedes failure and pride comes before every fall. Know it all..and you try to anticipate, and plan the events surrounding your life.You try to postiton yourself and you try to shield yourself from damage.The more you try, the more you fail.Its a wretched cycle.

Give up.Start living life. Its not meant to be this hard.Expectations breed dissapointment.Dissapointment breeds judgements and judgements breed hatred.Hate and run. Hide.Temptations of the good life will lure you out again. This time, you watch your steps, every one of them, you take with great precaution, you are in two minds about your direction.You fail. Again. This time you will be convinced till, the next glimmer of hope which will be adulterated with the usual skeptism,till you fail again. :) Its not meant to be this way.

Stop protecting yourself.Dont hide. Stop expecting. Godliness with contentment is great gain.The good life..its like your shadow..chase it..its illusive..turn away your focus and start walking..and the shadow follows behind you...so Quit trying..You are putting the horse before the carriage..

Zhao Min!!!!!!He ends up with Zhao min, the princess, after being mulled over by 4 girls and rejected by 1.They wound up after all the drama, on an island, with volcanoes, to live happily ever after..happily ever after ending..I like..This guy was orphaned when he was a teen, his dying mother ( a ravishing beauty known for her wit), uttered these last words to him.." Son, do not trust women, especially the good looking ones.." He grows up in the wild, alone with only a monkey for a companion. After the long isolation period he meets a family, with a beautiful girl. She takes him for a ride and he discovers the plot, attempts suicide..survives..vows never to trust a woman completely..and that is when the rest of the 4 women enter his life in sequence...He is a man on his own..He never commited to or admitted his feelings about any one of the 4 till the very end.In the climax scene, he would say..I felt gratitude for one, sisterly love for one, and obligation to another one, but towards Zhaomin, he felt a bittersweet love..a love he couldnt deny...and the story ends with him conquering his enemies and ending up with her..this story..I like..)

This one was by his side all the time. She wanted to be with him...He liked her too..

The childhood sweetheart he almost married...Zhiruo..

Divine appointment

She is a princess and he was an orphan..at least he thought so..He was delusional and jumped off a cliff. He jumped off cliffs many times actually( he is a pugilist) but the one time Im referring to, was the time when he was so jaded that he jumped off with the intent of putting an end to his miserable life.Little did he know, what laid in store...(But of course as viewers, we know that even though the lead gets run over by a car, he will probably come back after a coma, or even as a ghost, if the show was on ghosts..point is..the lead never dies..the writer/director never lets him die.. if only we all could be as detached, the way we are from the actual circumstance surrounding the lead in shows, in our own lives too, because we know about the rule that the lead never dies..When it comes to our lives..we are not as detached..we dont know what the writer has in store for us..we believe the circumstance is permanant..it always seems like a dead end..like the end of a winding road..)

The trust factor...

Trust exposes you, it leaves you open like a sitting duck.Now you are vulnerable.Your fortress has been penetrated, infiltrated.You let your emotions rule you, you gave your trust away."Be harmless as doves and wise as serpants" " I am sending you out as sheep amongst the wolves" He said.The wisest thing I could have ever done is flee at the sight of imminent danger.Wisdom was allusive, forsake the paths of wisdom, and follow your heart, your unguarded heart that was bound to play you out.The next time go with your gut.The trust factor, guard your heart..and keep your peace.

These dreams...

Cannot remember the last time, sleep was thorough and invigorating.Sometimes you know flirting with the enemy is dangerous business.You know that he cannot be trusted.His words of kindness are dripping with deceit and you can feel it in your very bones.Now you cannot turn back the clock.You are but a mere man, with passions, with hope and goodwill.You did what you swore never to do, only because of the very principles and conscience that rule you.Now he knows what you did.He is still the man you once knew.This game is taking a toll.You cannot watch your back all the time.What happened was unfortunate, it should have never been.

The conscience torments. Fear has crept in.Walking through the valley of the shadow of death, the lair of deception, the very thing you assumed you were is being challenged and broken down.Does such evil actually exist in a man?Is this the manifestation of the guilt?What is happening and could happen is frightening, it shakes the depths of my very soul.

These dreams...they haunt me..and I ain liking it one bit..God, turn back the clock..make all things right..Undo my mistakes and restore my life, give me back my peace, the peace that I finally had and should have held dear..Oh what was I thinking then,dear God, help me..

Ain the child you wished I'd be..

Don't play with the big boys, they are rough people son, you might get injured.Don't talk to anyone in class, the teacher wouldn like you.Oh no, you ain getting on the Top Gun son,it looks too dangerous for a Uk funfair ride..what if the machine stalls and you fall off?Why do you keep talking to the girls under your block?No son, you may not play with the boys downstairs, they will be bad influence for sure. Oh no son, you may not go for that camp, it states in the indemnity form that the school will not be responsible if you get injured.Why do you cut your hair that way?Why is your hair wet? Why do you use that gel?Why are you wearing black? Why is your jeans so baggy? blah..blah..blah..

I like playing with the big boys. I dont like the playground and the little kids there fighting for the swing.Why must the teacher like me?I like the risks and the thrills of a dangerous ride.I like talking to girls, I wasnt born with a hormonal imbalance.I like the boys downstairs, they have tattoos, the boys my age dont.So what if the school wont be responsible for my injuries, if I die crossing the road, are you responsible?Why in the world do you bother about my hairstyle, what I wear or how I wear it...do you ever see me commenting on the colour of your sari or recommend that you switch to dresses instead?Not like I was smoking or trippin on alcohol binges...N so what if I smoke or drink now?N so what of if I have tattoos of my own now?Have I ever listened to you or to anyone else for that matter?

I dont like rules,enough said.. not yours, not those of the schools I study in.I ain ever gonna conform.. n dont feel bad about it..therez nothing you can do..you have been dutiful, good and careful..my heart goes out to you mum, I aint the child you wished I'd be..

The Mind and the Ice Cube..

The mind is a zoo.Or maybe a warzone. The mind is bombarded with a million thoughts at the same time. Which thoughts to entertain and which to dismiss, remains a mystery unsolvable. We each live in a different world or rather we each perceive the world differently, through a different pair of eyes.And we form rules for ourselves based on these perceptions which may have been derived from the daily experiences of ourselves and those around us.Sometimes the very rules we live by trap us into living a self fullfilling prophecy.We judge too fast, we judge based on actions alone.Sometimes these judgements and perceptions take a living form of their own and start establishing dominion over our souls, subjecting us to sheer torment. Sometimes we genuinely want to believe the best of those around us, but because of this dominion that has taken root in our state of minds, we are unable to know any better.A wretched state.Why do people say or do the things they do?We make assumptions based on our interpretions of the person's intentions or motives, which then again is based on our interpretation of the person's facial expressions, voice, body language. Past experiences of others and self too, play a role in these assumptions.The inclusion of IT in our lives has just added an entirely new and magnificent face to this sort of interpretation.Sometimes a person may be genuine, but they come across as pretentious. Sometimes a person is pretentious and yet they are believed.So perhaps open communication would be the antidote to this endless interpretation business.Then again, communication would involve questions and questions too are subject to interpretation and sometimes people understand your question and sometimes they do not.Asking a question and actually articulating your doubt are two different things.Sometimes we ask the right questions and get the answers to totally different questions.Maybe, the other party does not understand or the other party is evasive, fearing jugdement would be passed on them if the truth was plainly spoken.But if we think about it, we are all, but human. We have needs and everything in this life that we do revolves around those needs. Some people feel a need to help the poor, they help the poor, because they feel the need.Some people gamble because they feel the need for thrill, they gamble.Therefore,who is to judge whom?We all have needs. If only people were open about themselves, there will be no room for misinterpretations.There is no one person who is in a position to judge another person, since we do not share the same pair of eyes.Therefore, if we were to all realise that, perhaps we would be bolder, perhaps, we wouldn evade questions, perhaps there would be fewer lies and fewer misunderstandings.

But for now, with all the judgements, perceptions, understandings and misunderstandings, the mind is a zoo, a warzone.We do not know any better.Try crushing a ice cube with your bare hands and you will get cut, but try leaving that ice cube under the sunshine and it will melt, eventually, no matter how big that ice cube may be. For now, stop judging, stop justifying or condemning or even rationalising a person's behavior, stop crushing that ice cube. What you do not understand, leave it alone. In time, the ice cube will melt.